one memory - my mom, her hands, her coin purse

Have you ever had a memory from long ago just pop into your head.? you see that memory. you feel it. you hear it. you mourn sometimes. you smile usually. you long. you remember. And after you go through the memory - like watching a short film - after, you feel calm, quiet, peaceful. and then you wonder why that long ago memory decided to make itself known to you now at this particular moment. seems like out of nowhere. You wonder what it means that you remember this now...why now? out of nowhere...for no particular reason at all. You might try to analyze things. You might try to find meaning. You might try to understand what 'message' is being sent to you from that 'other' place. You might not try to analyze at all, but be thankful for that little memory popping into your head and stirring up your being and moving your heart enough to skip a few beats and bring out a tear or two maybe a smile. yes you are thankful. so thankful.

That's what happened tonight as I was walking my pups before we snuggle in bed for the night. just me and the pups. walking late at night like we do every night. I don't allow them to go out in the back yard after dark since all kinds of critters live in the woods behind my house. and coyotes are known to come as close as our creek that is too close for comfort. I would be ok if my dogs were bigger, but I think a 6 pounder and a 12 pounder are just too little to be able to defend themselves if they had to....so I must take them out front in their leashes and walk them so they can do their business. makes me get up and move and enjoy the night. forces me to, and although many times I hate having to do it, especially when it's bitter cold or miserably hot, still once we begin our walk, I am always glad.  *sigh*

Tonight was a pretty night. new moon. clear skies. pretty stars. not too cold. no cars coming around. nice and quiet and peaceful. and just like that, one little memory decided to visit my busy brain. one little memory with big sentiment.

Tonight I thought about my memory and wondered why it decided to come see me in my preoccupied head. Maybe it was because it's February, the month that we would have celebrated my mother's birthday, if she was here, and February is almost gone ALREADY! Maybe because a couple of weeks ago, I lost something. something of very little monetary value. something not so important. something that once I realized I lost it, I immediately thought about my mom.

The memory:

Just like a short film or quick commercial on tv, I saw my mother's hands opening her coin purse. sunny day. at home. our front porch. me and my sisters rambunctiously surrounding her. maybe the ice cream truck was there. maybe we needed money before heading off to school. maybe someone was at the door asking for money. I don't know what is attached to my short film of a memory. I don't know. All I know is my mom and her hands and her coin purse. All I know is that  I felt her to be a little sad. a little worried. my mom and her hands and her coin purse.

I don't even remember for sure what that coin purse looked like. I want to say it was a tan color, leather,  2 round metal clasps that when closed, the round metal clasps look like they are kissing.

I have a coin purse. I've had it for many years. It's not even a 'grown up' coin purse. It's a little girl's coin purse. I don't know how it ended up being my personal coin purse. I have plenty of 'grown up' little purses around. Ok, you could say I have an obsession. Anyway, I remember when I bought this particular kid's coin purse. I bought 2, actually. for my girls. The two looked almost the same. They both are soft fabric, zipper, about 4"x3", black and pink leopard print. One has got the word princess embroidered in silver on one side. The one I keep has no princess on it. See, I always had little coin purses with zippers handy for my girls when they were little, and also not so little. I always made sure they had a little money in their coin purses that remained in their school backpacks - just in case. If they went on a school field trip, coin purse went with them with a few bucks and some change and a little piece of paper with their name, phone number and my name. I actually had a coin purse specifically for field trips. That one had a thin strap I had sewn onto it so they could carry it around their necks and under their clothes. The girls would loose their coin purses sometimes. not to worry. I always had extras in the kitchen drawer, ready to go with them to school or wherever.

*quick note about school field trips: well I pretty much dreaded them. I worried constantly. I lost sleep nights before because my brain was playing and replaying worst possible scenarios, and then I would come up with solutions, in my head as to what I should tell the girls to do just in case and what I would do just in case. ugh. I used to pin a tiny Blessed Mother pendant on their clothing - along with a prayer to Her to please help me mother and watch over my girls -  in a conspicuous place like in the shoulder area in the inside of their clothing that only they knew they had it.....I was such a worrisome mommy. always worried about my girls when they were not directly under my care. I tried to to go most of the field trips, but sometimes I just couldn't. probably because I had a little one at home. It's stressful to be a worrisome mom.

My little drawer in the kitchen still contains 3 coin purses, one brown leather one, one navy blue, and the princess soft fabric pink and blank leopard print one - all with zippers. all just about the same size and shape.

I lost my little pink and black leopard print coin purse at Braum's one day a few weeks ago when Mr. Pain and I decided to have ice cream for dinner. It was raining. It was the weekend. It was late. We weren't too hungry although we hadn't eaten dinner yet. We were craving ice cream, so we scooped up the pups, jumped into the car, and drove in the rain to have ice cream for dinner. Once we got to the Braum's Mr. Pain decided he was going to have a hamburger. He ate his hamburger as I ate my soft serve yogurt swirl cone. Once I finished my cone, except for what I saved for the pups, Mr. Pain got in the long line (rainy day = the whole town I live in at Braum's at 9 pm) to order his ice cream as I decided to go to the car to feed the pups the ice cream I saved for them.

Well as I went outside, it was pouring rain, so in the bustle of me trying to hold the ice cream, my phone, the car keys, my coat, and trying not to get too wet - I must have dropped my coin purse that I had just used minutes earlier. or maybe I left it at the counter by the register. didn't know at the time if I even had lost it at the Braum's or elsewhere. Later, when I realized I had lost it, I remembered pulling it out to give Mr. Pain some money for his ice cream.

I hadn't noticed that I had lost my little purse until the next day. Aww man. I lost my little purse. My little purse of very little monetary value. I probably had $2 at most in there in change and maybe a crumpled up dollar bill or two. Aww, I thought about my mom and her coin purse. my mom's hands in her coin purse looking for her coins or crumpled up dollar bills. I thought about how long I had this little purse. I felt a little sad. but not distraught. I told Mr. Pain the last time I had used the little purse was to pay at Braum's. Mr. Pain said we would go to the Braum's to see if it was there. Neither one of us thought there was a chance a stupid little purse would be there. Probably some little girl picked it up and kept it, or maybe no one picked it up at all and it would be in the parking lot, having been soaked with rain the night before. That's what we thought. still we went. I ran inside as Mr. Pain waited in the car with his words of "you're not going to find it". What do you know? After I asked if they had found a little soft cloth black and pink leopard print coin purse with a zipper, the manager went to the back somewhere and came back with my little purse! She was holding it up for me to see as she apologized that it was empty and that she hoped I didn't have too much money in it before I lost it. I didn't. HOORAY! empty little purse - shame on whoever kept my little bit of money :( still my purse came home with me. my non-significant empty, cheap little old black and pink leopard-print zippered soft clothed coin purse.

I wonder if my girls know my little coin purse and I wonder if this little insignificant soft-clothed coin purse with pink and black leopard print and a zipper...this little coin purse and my hands may one day be of LOTS of significance.....